i'm in.

I couldn't even put into words what I really wanted to say. Describing what I'm feeling right now is probably for me, one of the last things I would even consider doing. I was so adamant on being rock steady that I made a pact with myself pledging I would not let anything get in the way, even relationships, while I'm still in school. That was what me and my good self agreed upon ever since my kindhearted parents convinced me to go back into studying notwithstanding the amount of years I have accumulated (consider it slacking off, the hell I care). I wanted them to know that I can pull this thing off. They wouldn't admit it but I know they've had a hard time considering on giving me this opportunity because it is a given fact that they see me as

"someone who never really finishes what I start on."

Little did they know, I was so focused into this new mission I have at hand that I decided to liberate my mind from all my insanities so I can regain the lost self-esteem and self-confidence that I once exuded. It's one of the things written down in my long list of strategies on

"how to get back the lost trust they once bestowed upon me."

Looking back, I was sure I was a lost soul wandering into nothingness, not knowing where to go and where to turn. I was constantly under the impression that I can maneuver my way into things with or without the help of others. More often than not, I found myself sustaining. I found my dear old me fulfilled with the things resulting from my most distinct decisions. But however hard I tried not to admit it, like plague, events in my life reminded me that I cannot do this alone. Like all those before me, giving in to what's apparent may lead me into looking at it as a form of defeat. But no.

"I will no longer be one of those crackheads." 

I know at some point it feels really good to see things work out because of my own doing, but that isn't enough to disregard the fact that there will always be times when I will be needing assistance and/or guidance,

"whatever the circumstances will entail."

But now, here I am. I am almost at the end and believe it or not, things are starting to scare the shit out of me.. Yet again. Flashes of what has happened years and years back have haunted me with much consistency.

"Am I gonna be okay?"

 Will things materialize the way my parents have envisioned them to be? I just have to share this one scenario that has impacted me a whole lot. Yes, in more ways than one..

Many years back, my mom and dad went to see a seer and they had their fortunes told before them. The most important thing and me-relevant information that I can remember was (and this one they shared to everyone who asks them about what the seer stated),

 "Your eldest son won't be able to graduate from college.. 

He will always be depending on you two."

I heard this story after I got kicked out of the first university I enrolled in. During then, there was not much to take out of that statement because it was making sense to everyone, hell even to me, that I am really on the path of fulfilling those words. I was thinking then "So what? I bet loads of other people didn't graduate from college but still their lives are faring well." After sometime though, it was shocking to finally realize that I was going in fucking circles.

Lost Soul? 

Yeah I was. 

But God never left me. 

No one did. 

That was one of the best truths that caught me offguard..

 in a very positive way. 

Ang gago ko pero even so, people still held on to me and dreamt of really beautiful things for me. This smacked the devil in me right in the face. Then came the point when there was nothing left to do but to straighten things out.

"I successfully constructed the mess I made." 

"There should be no one else cleaning my shit for me but myself."

It's wittingly and irritatingly funny how life works out. We really are responsible for our ownselves.. However ominously successful or pitifully demised we are... However destructively fucked up we may be.

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